Thursday, November 5, 2009

What the...

I should not be writing this entry since it's a very personal matter but since one of the reasons why I have this blog is for me to have an outlet, I decided to publish this. Sorry guys if I'm being redundant on explaining things. It's just that, this is how I feel. Anyway, I went home in Pampanga last sunday and I'm still here with my family (extended vacation leave. hehehe). I was forced to go home because it's been a while since I stayed here but since I do miss my family a lot, I decided to go home and have some rest as well. Besides, miss ko na luto ni Mama. =)

Isa sa mga rason kung bakit hindi rin ako madalas umuuwi ay dahil kay Papa. Yeah, we are not in good terms because I knew that he has another woman. He actually introduced her to me. I know, unfair yun kay Mama na hindi ko sinabi sa kanya but the thing is, it's for the good of my sisters. Si "Babae" kasi ang magpapa-aral sa sisters ko but of course, si Papa ang alam nilang nag-wowork. Dating church officer si Papa and because of the "girl" he needed to resign. He pretended kay Mama na may work siyang iba but the truth is si "Babae" ang susuporta sa kanila. I should be included sa support na ibibigay ni "Girl" but since ma-pride ako, I declined the offer and worked here in Manila. I want to be independent and ayoko tumanaw ng utang na loob sa kanya and kay Papa. Sobrang naging kumplikado pa ang sitwasyon when the "Girl" went over the border line. She acted as if she is my mother and I didn't like that. At syempre, ako ang lumitaw na masama sa paningin ni Papa.

Anyway, my first day in Pampanga is generally good. Badtrip lang kasi, pagdating na pagdating ko sa bahay, nandun si Fudra. Sobrang inis ako. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin. I just pretended na wala siya dun. Hindi ko siya kinibo. He talked to me pero tumango lang ako sa kanya. Buti na lang umalis siya agad. So okay na ulit. May mga weird things lang akong napansin. There were a lot of stuff there na unusual sa amin knowing na sobrang matipid and kuripot si Mama. Mas nagtaka ako nung nakita ko yung ibang things dun na may nakadikit na note for my sisters. The penmanship is familiar. Penmanship ni "Girl". Hindi lang ako kumibo. I waited for my mother or my sisters to tell me kung ano ang nangyayari sa bahay. I even tried to squeezed them asking kung kanino galing yung mga yun. Finally, my mother approached me nung nasa room na ako. I was schocked. They already new about the "Girl". Sabi pa ni Mama na huwag ko daw siya i-judge kung bakit pumayag siya sa set-up na yun. Naawa ako kay Mama. Sobra. I know, nahihirapan siya. Sinabi niya na wala naman siyang ibang magagawa kundi pumayag sa ganung set-up for the sake of my sisters. Pero pinagtanggol pa rin niya si Papa. Sabi niya na kami pa rin ang unang pamilya at siya pa rin ang mahal ni Papa. Hindi naman daw sa ginagamit nila yung "Girl" pero wala nang ibang choice kundi yun. Hindi na rin daw kasi makahanap ng work si Papa and hindi na siya makakabalik as church officer dahil sa nangyari. Nakakatawa na nakakagulat na ewan, magka-text pa yung mga sisters ko at yung "Girl". Alam din naman daw kasi ni "Mama" na hindi kakayanin ng suweldo ko na suportahan sila. Ayaw niya and ayaw ko rin na mag-stop sa school yung sisters ko (they are both in college). So ang plan daw nila is patapusin sa school ang dalawa and tsaka hihiwalay si Papa and babayaran kay "Girl" lahat ng binigay nito. Sobrang kumplikado and sobrang nakakagulat ang nangyari.

My mother is convincing me to go back to school and the "Girl" will also support my needs. But I'm very firm with my decision. I told her na huwag na lang. Kaya ko suportahan sarili ko and them without asking help from the "Girl". Sinabi ko rin an ayoko tumanaw ng utang na loob sa "Babae" and kay Papa. She's glad that I'm standing on my own feet. Nag-sorry siya dahil hindi daw niya mabigay mga needs ko. I told her na hindi siya dapat mag-sorry. Sinabi ko sa kanya na whatever happens, I will support her. Kung kailangan niya ng maiiyakan, nandito lang ako. Sinabi ko sa kanya na tatagan niya loob niya and malalampasan din namin kung anoman itong nangyayari sa amin ngayon. She asked me na magbati na kami ni Papa. Sabi ko sa kanya, it will take time bago mangyari yun. I apologized to her because I can't grant that request immediately. Sabi ko na lang na hayaan na lang yung nasa Itaas ang mag-guide sa amin.

Sobrang nalulungkot ako sa nangyayari sa pamilya namin ngayon. Sobrang naguguluhan ako sa nangyayari. I'm always praying to Him for me to be strong in this stage of my life. Sinasabi ko rin sa Kanya na alagaan lagi ang pamilya ko... Haaayyy... magulo... hindi ko mailagay lahat ng nangyayari... This entry helped me to ease the burden kahit konti lang... I'm hoping na maging maayos na lahat.
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Till then... Angel will spread his wings and fly...

3 comments:

  1. Sooner or later everything will be alright.

    Tatagan mo rin ang loob mo.
    Actually, saludo ako sa courage na pinapakita mo. Konti pa... Kaya yan!

    I hope everything goes well with you and your family!

    TC!

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  2. sana nga maging maayos na lahat asap. hhaaayy...

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  3. Angel, life is always difficult. its always been. unfortunately, people tends to see only the bitter side, not the better one.

    be strong, be the foundation that your Dad cannot be. but most of all, identify on which things you must be firm, and when you must let go.

    cheers!
    red

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